Seven Ways Writing a First Novel is Just Like Childbirth

     I've been working on my first mystery novel for a long time. I mean, a really long time. So far, the gestation period for this little oven-bun is somewhere between sperm whale and African elephant. It appears my ability to turn out a novel takes after my ability to birth a child, which, granted, I've only done once. But, it took twenty-nine hours, so it seems like I should get credit for more.

Sperm Whales are pregnant for 16 months!

     Anyway, having decided these similarities warranted further procrastination reflection, I identified seven other ways writing a novel is exactly like pushing an entire human being out of your vagina:

1. Things will not go according to plan. You can map everything out ahead all you want, right down to what music is playing when the little angel crowns, or how many chapters you will finish before Christmas. But when the time comes and you’re in the thick of it, things are gonna go the way they’re gonna go, and you’re just along for the ride.

2. It hurts more than you thought it would. Way more. WAY, WAY MORE.  

3. Sometimes you need drugs (see above). Whether it’s an epidural, a glass of wine or caffeine on an IV drip, go ahead and do what you gotta do to get through it. If anyone questions your judgement, loudly suggest that THEY try doing this sober, then, if they're so effing awesome.

4. Many things will come out of you during this time. A lot of them will be crap. And that’s OK.

5. It isn’t pretty (see above). These are the parts they don’t tell you about beforehand, before you’re committed. No one tells you about the vomiting, peeing, pooping, cramping, sweating, swearing, screaming, crying, tearing, cutting and bleeding. Alert: all of these ALSO happen during childbirth!

6. Having a support system helps. A lot. When you think you can’t go on another second, you need someone to remind you that you’re strong, that you can do this, by golly, and that now is probably not the time to decide to leave your partner for the anesthesiologist.

7. This last one is both terrifying and exhilarating: no one else can do this for you. While you can learn and gain inspiration from others who’ve been there, your experience is unique, and only you can see it through to the end. This is your bag, baby, and you can do it.